Ever been so lost, so lost that you simply fall down face first on the bed and make growling noises just to get rid of that frustrating, restless ,and fiery sensation out of your body. But the feeling just doesn't get out, the bastard holds on to your chest till you spit out fire. I have been that lost, not once, not twice but more than the times i can recall..
The story of my life(at least as much as of it I've lived) can be summed up in just two words , 'Pessimism' and 'Heart' . All my life has been, all that i have been is the result of these two words and the weight they hold against my life. I am a guy of the heart and that is not something to celebrate about, because i have a pessimist heart, it visualizes the break up , from the moment the girl says 'yes' . It's not that i want to end the relationship as soon as it starts but it's just a reflex of my mind to trigger the possible sad endings as soon as the good has begun, can't help it.
"Take your time." I told Nita, "I'm in no rush for the answer."
We both sat face to face at a restaurant , making the hot white sauce pasta wait as we commence on the journey of love. Nita doesn't seem so shocked or even a bit shocked by my proposal, she simply smiles and takes a fork worth of pasta from the plate to her mouth.
She stares at her plate for a while, giggles and then looks back at me. I , who is lost in deep thoughts , still wandering between a 'yes' or a 'no', though i know a 'yes' is inevitable. A yes? yes. No. What if it IS a 'yes' ?
What if she screws up my life like my first love had? What if she loves pasta way more than me? What if she gets fat? I'd still love her if she's fat.. right? I don't know.. I will , i guess. Because i love her now i.. wait.. i do love her now right? Shit! I hope i love her. I loved her a moment ago.. FOCUS.
"Yes .I love you too Shiv." She says looking at me and finally leaving the damn pasta alone.
I gave my head a mini shake , trying to bounce out all the doubts from my mind. I was committed now, i had gotten a yes, and i should be happy. I should, really. 'Be happy asshole' i told myself.
"Hahah. Thanks", i said awkwardly.
"Thanks?" she squinted her eyes.. Uh ho .
"I mean i love you !" I said over expressing my in expressiveness.
"Oh . Should we go for that new movie?" she asked me reaching for my hand.
"Sure." I said.
While somewhere deep inside a voice whispered to the back of my head...
...NO WAY OUT NOW.
And so began our 3 month long relationship, in which i really began to like her and she, well she loved me.. At least for the first two months. But soon the war between my heart and mind kicked into my system. And everything went south. As it turned out, she hated 'how i met your mother' , it's one thing to not like it, it's another to hate it.
Maybe my heart was just trying to find out an easy way out , and how i met your mother was just an excuse to bang open the exit door.
Well i kinda miss her. She hates me now, her whats-app statuses say so. She really loved me didn't she? Guess i loved her too.. i did, right? I don't know. Not anymore though. I think? What if i love her? What if i let the right girl go? Shit, i do love her..
Now that's the fiery feeling i was talking about, frustrating fiery little bastard. Damn it get out of my chest already !
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